Letting Go of the Ideal Self

Stopping being a coach doesn’t take away your passion for health—especially for me, mental health.
It’s no secret that I’ve struggled with my mental health a lot over the years, often feeling like a failure—like many people. Ashamed.

Part of that, I guess, is because most people don’t truly understand what it means to live with a mental health problem.
Maybe they don’t want to.
And that lack of understanding leaves us feeling different, misplaced, and alone.

@paumarchant

Today I’m standing in another territory, a strange one—where life feels balanced, mental health is healthy. Eyes are bright. I feel whole, complete, and in love.
We can’t dismiss our life experiences—they give us something that I could call meaning, but maybe depth is the word.

It’s true that I’m grateful for every single pain, every health issue, even for the moments when I thought death was the only way out of my mind.

Everything under the eyes of science, I used to say…
Science is not a religion, yet somehow it has become one.
We’ve forgotten how to think and how to feel for ourselves, without realizing that science only points to probabilities.
I got caught in all of that—listening to what the experts said, but not truly listening to my own truth.

I mean, we stop listening, we stop thinking.

I feel that I’ve been in this new chapter of life for a while now—a transition.
Transitions last a while; they are not meant to be rushed.

I’m finding my ground, feeling my feet in this new, stable mind.
Reading new things—memoirs, not podcasts or brain books.
I’m learning to write a little, but mostly I’m reading.
You want to learn to write? Then read. Read a lot.

I go to the beach instead of taking so much vitamin D.
I train less than before.
I do less intermittent fasting.
And the less I do, the more benefits I notice—especially for my mental health.
I don’t have ADHD anymore. I don’t take medication for it.

The “best version of myself” is not the one who knows it all,
not the one who earns the money,
not the one who is independent—like society lets us believe is better.
The best version of myself
is a Pau who is at peace.

It took many years of chaos to learn that one.

So what will the future bring…?

I’m not sure, and I don’t need to be right now.
I’m getting there, I guess.

Presence and mindfulness are the foundation of my life—where my mental health rests, where my physical training rests, where my diet sits, and where my photography gives back to me.