The Choice of Chaos: Embracing my ADHD

Discovering I have ADHD has been eye-opening... Transformative, but also complex

After being diagnosed with ADHD, the perception of myself underwent a profound transformation. I feel I have an opportunity to really do things right in life. It sounds crazy, but it is not.

"Willpower" – is such a fascinating concept—the power of will.

It makes me think: What is it deep within us, within our very beings, that grants us this power?

As someone inherently curious, I've harbored countless dreams and ideas throughout my life. Generating them comes naturally to me, as does the determination to pursue them. However, the ability to bring them to fruition... - has always eluded me.

I promise it was never a lack of work, never a lack of discipline.

I promise I was as busy as a human could be with zero return.

Empty pockets, a deep sense of hopelessness, deep agony

As far as I know, no one can truly comprehend the depths of my struggles.

Now, I can empathize and comprehend why you couldn't fathom the scenario I was attempting to explain.

My head, my beautiful and tortured mind, filled with noise and thoughts,

Ideas, music, and broken dreams, probably too many.

No power to accomplish, but a lot of will.

Does this make me weak? Perhaps insufficient? Inadequate?

What is it deep within us, within our very beings, that grants us this power?

That power we possess, the essence of our being, resides within our minds, in the brain. It is not some mystical force hidden beyond the realm of the heavens. A healthy brain is all we truly need to live a fulfilling life.

I can never regain the lost years of my life, my son's youth, or my marriage. Although they have been beautiful and full of life, they have also been, to the same degree, chaotic.

I can’t complain but wonder…

I have spent just a few weeks taking medicine, and it has given me perspective. I am fascinated by the experience. I have to be honest; I was in total shock by it the first days.

Too much contrast. Too much busyness in between my ears in a world full of quiet. (our world is full of quiet)

My mind has been flooded with numerous worries and dreams, all at once, for too long. And again, I am in awe; I am fascinated.

It has been difficult to execute, to achieve many things in this life.

Bittersweet, for sure. I love both the quiet zone and the busyness. I have always loved my inner world. Still full of challenges, I wouldn’t change a thing.

Well, I guess I would change the timing of the diagnosis. But nothing else. I choose my chaotic, creative, and intuitive brain over any other brain 100% of the time.

Medicine will help me in those areas that I need help with, also, I am being counseled by an ADHD specialist who guides me in improving my strategies for more effective progress. Interestingly I need to do much less of what I was previously doing.

So no, I am not weak and I have never been, never insufficient, always enough I am just me and I love it.

Sending you much love, Pau